Hey internet friends!
I’m three years post op today and figured I’d check in! A lot has happened since I last posted: turns out all of the being obsessed with food and weight loss during my jaw surgery recovery was not normal, I have an eating disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. My therapist says that I’ve been struggling with it since high school and then after my surgery when I was obsessing about my weight and my food and planning all of the things I could and could not eat was my first relapse. I only found out when I relapsed again this past year after a break up that ripped my world apart. Go back and read my posts from early on in the recovery and you can see where some of the disordered thoughts came in. Keep in mind I wasn’t telling the world everything going on in my head. I wasn’t posting about the anxiety around food or the calorie counting or the obsessive way I was competing with myself over how long I could go without eating or anything like that because I didn’t want anyone to know.
Moral of that story is: I have a shitty relationship with food and body image so don’t listen to my food advice lol Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to address: Insatiable, the new Netflix series.
The show is about a high school senior (played by Debbie Ryan) who is referred to as “Fatty Patty” due to being in a larger body. One day she gets into a fight and ends up breaking her jaw and having it wired shut for three months during which she lost 70lbs. Now that she’s skinny she believes in “skinny magic” that will make her life better than ever and starts competing in beauty pageants with the help of a disgraced lawyer.
This is the most toxic premise for a show I have come across in a long time. However because I have had the experience with a broken jaw/liquid diet that lead to weight loss and I have an eating disorder I wanted to watch the show so I could criticize it accurately. Thoughts:
1. Anytime a thin actor/actress wears a fat suit, it is body shaming. Any time weight is used as a punch line or a “tragic backstory” people all over the world in larger bodies hear the message “you are not good enough as you are and you should change”. A classic example is Monica’s backstory from Friends.
2. Losing 70lbs in three months is NOT HEALTHY no matter how you lose it. I lost over 50lbs after my surgery in less than four months. No matter how you lose the weight it’s not sustainable, it’s not healthy and it’s not a cure for self esteem issues.
3. A broken jaw fucking hurts. Also liquid diets SUCKKKKKK. literally. I don’t even want to think about all the sea turtles I killed with all the straws I used. Also eating with a syringe takes real effort and coordination that I don’t wish on anyone. I certainly would not recommend it to someone as a means to lose weight.
4. In the show Patty’s pageant platform is eating disorders. Which could have been awesome if they were raising awareness in the right way. However the way the show uses this platform promotes diet culture. —Patty’s sponsor is a fast food restaurant called Wiener Taco, to raise money for a big pageant Patty creates a new menu item called “LEANER taco” which completely promotes the idea that some foods are bad and others are good. there is no such thing as “good” or “bad” Foods. All food belongs in a healthy lifestyle. Yes even whatever the fuck a wiener taco is. Say it louder for the people in the back: ALL FOOD BELONGS IN A HEALTHY DIET.
5. This show never should have been about Patty. Patty is a horrible role model. One of the other beauty queens is Dee, a queer, black, beauty queen in a larger body. She shows up and dominates the stage with her talent and confidence. Her platform for pageants is self esteem and proving to others that you don’t have to look a certain way to be a beauty queen. THIS IS THE SHOW I WANT TO WATCH!!! 6. Patty is the thin, white, with a fucked up family history, stereotype of an eating disorder who believes that skinny is magic. Not all eating disorders look like this. Not all fat people want or need to lose weight. Dee accepts her body as it is and isn’t ashamed to love herself. This show could have been about Dees “insatiable” desire to promote body acceptance and win pageants despite not being what the judges are used to, this show could have been about defying the norm and making that feel OKAY for people everywhere.
To be honest I still struggle with convincing myself that there are no good or bad foods. I struggle with the idea that losing more weight or weighing less is not the answer to my self esteem problem. And that reaching the lowest number possible isn’t going to magically make my life better. Logically of course I know that it’s not accurate but I have a disordered way of thinking that is reinforced by society...so you see the problem. Anorexia ruined my life: I had to drop out of grad school, quit my job and honestly it’s probably what ruined my relationship with my ex because I was anxious and upset about my appearance all the time and who wants to date that?
The recovery from my surgery is drastically different from my recovery from anorexia. Recovering from the surgery was so important because it felt like the magic fix to my self esteem and my life, and for a little bit it was just that. I WANTED to recover from that. I am not sure that I want to recover from my ED. So maybe this recovery blog isn't about my jaw anymore...
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