Sunday, November 29, 2015

Day 100

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I know I did...I gained four pounds this weekend but it was SO WORTH IT.

So last Tuesday I saw the surgeon and the orthodontist and my visit with the surgeon was less than ten minutes and it all looks good! He said definitely no jaw exercises because they don't want to force my jaw in any direction and my full range of motion will come back the more I chew and talk.

Right now I can open 30 mm and I need to get to 40 mm. But that seems doable.

After that I saw Dr. Jeff at the orthodontist and NO MORE BANDS (for now, I might need them again in a few weeks but I'm going to enjoy it while I can) OR SURGICAL HOOKS! They put a chain on my teeth because they were a little gappy in the front, took the zig-zaggy thing off too (yes that is the technical term) which I found out was to keep my teeth from getting loose and moving around during and after the surgery. My teeth feel so much lighter without all that gear on them. Then the girl who was putting my new wires on promised me that at the very latest, the braces will be off by May for my graduation!

I was a little extra swollen after the ortho because I had to hold my jaw open for so long but its going down now.

I will add pictures tomorrow but I am off to a concert with some friends tonight, I just wanted to update on the 100th day because I mean how cool is that?

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Day 90 (3 MONTHS POST OP!)

Three months. It has been three months since I had some surgeons break my face. What?
Speaking of surgeons, I will update on this again after I have my 3 month appointment with them next week.




I've answered this questions a million times but since this is another one of those huge mile stones (my bones are supposedly all healed now) I think I will answer it again: Would I do it all over again? Honestly? Seeing the results and having all the shitty parts of this recovery behind me, yeah I think I would. I feel different, I look different and as cheesy as it sounds, it really did change my life and I don't think I could go back to being the person I was  all of the 21 years prior to the surgery. But again, I definitely would have not scheduled the surgery for right before my senior year of college, that was just bad planning on my part.

I'm only 90 days post op and technically that means I have 275 more to go before I am considered fully recovered so I still have a long way to go but I think its really important to celebrate or at least acknowledge the milestones otherwise its easy to lose sight of where you came from. So with that in mind I decided to put together some of the pictures from the highs and lows of this recovery so far just to show how much progress can be made in 90 days.

1. Before. You've seen it.
2. Day 8: when my face swelled up a ridiculous amount because I was allergic to NSAIDs.
3. Day 9: They took the bands off that kept my mouth closed and the gross chin bandage!
4. Day 10: I CAN DRINK THROUGH A STRAW!
5. Day 16: I CAN EAT MASHED POTATOES!
6. Day 19: I moved into my dorm room.
7. Day 21: My smile doesn't look that creepy anymore...right?
8. Day 27: I took Turmeric to help with jaw pain and ended up with kidney stones.
9. Day 40: FINALLY feeling better after the kidney stones.
10. Day 41: Six weeks post op = I can start chewing...Or not because then I got a site infection.
11. Day 50: HEY LOOK I HAVE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AGAIN.
12. Day 61: 2 months post op!
13. Day 66: Look at how far I can open my mouth!
14: Day 70: 10 weeks post op!
15: Day 85: 12 weeks post op!
16: Day 90: AHHHHHH!
Finally, the updates.

Swelling: As always my right cheek is ever so slightly more swollen than the left side but I'm pretty sure only I notice.

Eating: I can eat pretty much everything including pizza and salad. The only thing that gives me some issues is cut up melon. My school sells fruit cups with huge chunks of melon in them and if I don't cut them small enough I can't chew them and I have to gracefully spit out the melon chunk into a napkin and hope no one notices. I think I could probably do a small sandwich too but I haven't tried more because of the fear of getting mushed bread all up in my braces.

Jaw Pain: My jaw doesn't feel broken anymore really, I am so close to being able to fit the two fingers in my mouth but I am not quite there yet, I am hoping at my next appointment I can get some jaw exercises to do to help move that along. I do notice my jaw twitching on the left side again, but it usually only happens when I'm chewing something particularly hard like the melon, so I think its just muscle spasms. I also notice that sometimes if I sleep on one side all night I might not be able to hear as well out of that ear the next day, again residual swelling is probably to blame.



Thursday, November 12, 2015

Day 84/85 (12 weeks post-op)

I'm a day late, sorry guys.

So again, nothing new to share really, I can't believe I'm only five days away from being 90 days post-op!



Swelling: I think my right cheek has finally decided to get with the program and not be as swollen, it seems to have gone down a little bit more. The say it takes a full six months for all the swelling to go down but I'm pretty happy with the progress it's made so far. The swelling under my chin that was giving me that super hot double chin has gone way down too.

*just a side note: its super hard to take selfies from a profile angle.
Eating: Nothing new in this area, I can eat pretty much everything, the only thing that is a little challenging is hard crunchy things like raw carrots. Sandwiches are still out of the picture for now because I can't open wide enough to bite into them but I can bite into pizza and chew salad and thats all I really need in life. Eating still requires some focus though, I have to make sure I'm chewing the food enough to swallow but I'm also paying close attention to how I'm chewing, if the food requires more of an up and down motion or if its more of a grinding motion.

Jaw Pain: No pain, but I have been noticing more of that snap-crackle-pop sound in my left joint, its not painful just a little weird. I still can't open my jaw all the way but I can open it slightly wider, not quite wide enough for two fingers but again making progress. I also noticed the other day that I've been resting my face in my hand during class and it doesn't hurt where if I did that a few weeks ago I definitely would have noticed a little discomfort, it also doesn't hurt to sleep with pressure on my face. I can move my jaw side to side a little more now though it feels a little awkward and makes me nervous so I try not to force it too much. I haven't had to email the surgeon's office in a while so I'm sure they are happy not to have to deal with me.

Numbness: I realized I hadn't addressed this in a long time so I figured I would make mention of it now. Part of my lower lip and my chin are still numb, its getting better though, I can feel that I'm touching it, I can feel hot and cold, but its like pins and needles or like when you accidentally cut off circulation to your hand when you sleep on it for too long.

Weight Loss: I went home last weekend and was shocked to find out that I lost another five pounds making my total weight loss so far 30 pounds! I was about 190/195 lbs on the day of the surgery and now I am 160 lbs which was my goal weight for this recovery. Again, I feel like its important to mention that this is way more than the average jaw surgery recipient and I was overweight before the surgery and this kind of weight loss would not be healthy or normal for someone if they started at a healthy weight, nor am I recommending a liquid diet as a means for weight loss. It just happens to be a bonus for me. I credit a lot of it to the fact that I am back at school though, I walk everywhere, I'm eating way healthier foods in smaller portions and the fact that I really have to concentrate on chewing when I eat makes me eat slower and makes me pay more attention to whether I'm full or not. So while the recovery definitely jump-started the weight loss its been some lifestyle changes that have kept it going.


Just one more thing:

I talked about identity and the psychological impact this kind of surgery can have on people in my last post and I just want to mention that one more time. It it really important to think of this as a whole-body and mind experience that WILL change your life even if you don't expect it to, so I would definitely encourage anyone pursuing this surgery to consider counseling during the recovery process.


Thursday, November 5, 2015

"You Can Hide It With A Scarf"

On Wednesday I posted my 11week post-op update, but I left out a detail of that day that I have been thinking about a lot since. I talked to some friends in my capstone class tonight and I think its something that needs to be included in this blog. Fair warning though: I'm about to get real deep into the emotional shit right now.

We are starting a new project in my introduction to painting class this week: a self-portrait. This is already a touchy subject for me as I am sure you can imagine considering the what the surgery was for. Well, we were told to bring in a picture of ourselves that we can paint. I was the only one who remembered to bring one in. Well, as we begin talking about starting the process of painting a self-portrait, the professor hands out a packet on how to draw faces and the "rules of symmetry". At this point my anxiety level starts building up, I can feel my heart racing, and a sense of doom washed over me and the professor starts talking about these rules.

Just as a side note, I really like this professor, she has made this 8:00am painting class really interesting and I am actually enjoying it, but that day she really fucked up. The professor talks about how eyes are always the length of one eye apart, the face always takes up 1/3 of the head and so on. She said "I've never come across anyone who these rules didn't apply to, and I would be shocked if I met someone who did". Well rules always have exceptions and that exception is me. I'm sitting there listening to this and trying to hold it together because this lecture is really bringing up some major emotional baggage for me, when the professor starts explaining drawing faces and making sure we have shadows. She picked up my picture and points out the shadows and how we would paint the different values. Then she goes back to talking about the "rules" and says "sometimes there are distortions...here is a good example" picks up my picture (which I took literally 12 hours earlier) and points out my chin in relation to my nose. I didn't get to hear what she said about this distortion because I left the room to go ride out a panic attack in the bathroom.

After pulling it together enough to go back to class I decided I needed to talk to the teacher about what was going on because painting a self-portrait is going to be a struggle. I went up to her after class and explained, as best I could even though I was crying again and trying not to hyperventilate, that the surgery I told her about at the beginning of the semester was to correct a bone deformity that caused facial asymmetry and doing this self-portrait might be overwhelming sometimes so please just bear with me if I need to take a break or start crying in class again. I showed her the before picture hoping that would add to the significance of having to do a painting of myself.

She said "Well you know you can use any picture you want, you could hide it with a hat or a scarf" and "you were a beautiful girl then and you are now". 

I need to talk about that for a minute. While I'm sure she meant it to be supportive and that she didn't want me to have to paint something that would make me upset, she clearly misunderstood why it upset me.

My FACE, the first thing you see when you meet new people, look in the mirror, and the thing that literally identifies a person, was crooked and was only going to become more and more crooked as I got older. There was always this level of not knowing what my "real" face would have been if I hadn't been born with this mutation. And it defined my entire life from the moment the first orthodontist pointed it out. It decided how I did my hair, what clothes I bought, how I posed in pictures, how I socialized, how I ate, how I talked, everything. In a way, it stole an identity I could have had. One I'm reclaiming now.

Everyone has insecurities, thats just part of growing up, but, by adulthood most people learn to address their insecurities in a way that makes them feel more secure. Acne, for example, can be covered with make-up, changed by eating healthier, using face wash regularly and treated with certain medications. No amount of make-up or soap or prescriptions would make my jaw stop growing in the wrong direction or change my genetic make-up so one random gene wasn't mutated.

I have mentioned a few times that I was insecure about my chin and my jaw before the surgery and I have heard the "you were always beautiful" line a bunch of times from a lot of people and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the compliment and the amount of support I have gotten through this process is absolutely incredible and it means so much to me...

But, I wasn't insecure because I perceived my chin and my jaw as something that made me ugly; I didn't like it, I desperately wished it would magically go away but it was never a question of beauty. Sometimes when someone tells me "you were beautiful then and you still are" it can be a little invalidating, like this was something that could be a hashtag on twitter #embraceyourface or some bullshit. No. This isn't something to embrace or that the media has an unreasonable standard of beauty for. Facial symmetry is literally the norm; people of all genders, races and socioeconomic status are usually born with all their features in the position they will remain in forever. But not those of us who have skeletal malocclusions.

It can be isolating to look around you and know that the person sitting across the room from you will never have to think about the position of their chin. But thats why I'm posting this. Finding the other blogs from people who needed to have double jaw surgery was like finally finding people who could relate to me, yet, none of them ever addressed this part of the experience and its important.

I couldn't be more thankful or blessed that the nightmare is over and I am well on my way to a full recovery. Maybe I'm just being an emotional art therapy major who is super touchy feely about this stuff but if there is a chance that someone else will read this and feel validated that there is at least one person who understands then this blog has done it's job.

As for my self portrait, I have spent the last however many years of my life hiding and trying to be invisible, but I don't feel like I need to do that anymore. So no professor, I will not be hiding my jaw with hat or a scarf and thats still new for me so I don't know exactly what that means yet. I hope you don't mind that I modified the "rules" for my senior exhibition project though, after all, rules are made to be broken.




 Read this article if you are interested in how major changes in appearance can affect your identity.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/can-drastically-changing-your-face-give-you-an-ide?utm_term=.bylYGa3Bm




Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Day 77 (11 weeks post-op)

Inching closer to that three month mark!

Happy Halloween! I know I'm a couple days late on that one but I've been a little busy, my roommate from freshman year came up for Halloween weekend and I got to spend most of Sunday with her (I was sick on Saturday and couldn't go out). But we took some really cute pictures.

Swelling: I ditched the jaw bra last week because it was starting to just get in the way so I do have some extra swelling in the morning but it goes away pretty quickly. I also sleep on my stomach now and it no longer hurts to put pressure on my cheeks/jaw, I'm still not sure its a good idea to sleep with a lot of pressure on my face so I usually support my head with my hand or a pillow with all the pressure on my temple. As for other swelling its always that right jaw/cheek, some days I notice it, some days I don't. I've been too preoccupied with getting an internship and keeping up with classwork to think about it.


Eating: Pretty much everything. I had some pizza type food today in the dining hall, it wasn't quite pizza but it wasn't quite anything else but I was able to chew it! AND I ATE A SALAD THIS WEEK. I won't lie to you, it was a little bit of a struggle but I am S L O W L Y getting my range of motion back in my jaw. Aside from super hard/crunchy foods like carrot sticks and celery I'm really not limited to what I can eat.

Jaw Pain: I am still pain free!! WOOO! I am still not able to fit the two fingers in my mouth but stretching out the muscles in my jaw doesn't hurt so I practice a little when I take the bands off to eat. I did notice that when I open my mouth sometimes I can hear a very faint snap/crackle/pop sound in my left joint. It doesn't hurt and its not loud so I'm not that concerned about it. My braces are driving me nuts though, there is one bracket in the back that is grinding into my cheek but I can't put wax on it because its too far back. I can't wait to be done with these things. 

Weight Loss: Leggings are my new best friend, in the vein of honesty, I should confess that I have a severe case of white girl flat ass syndrome. Its disturbing and there are no support groups. But since losing the weight my favorite, perfectly-broken-in-holes-in-the-right-spot jeans have been sagging like Justin Bieber's harem pants. I haven't stepped on a scale in a while but I had to buy new jeans last weekend  and I have gone down two sizes! I'm going home to CT to do some more shopping with my mom this weekend because as much as I love over-sized sweaters they cannot be my whole wardrobe. Though if Boston stays at 60-75 degrees like it has been the last few days I may not need sweaters at all (yay global warming!). I'm still not eating as often or as much as I used to before the surgery because eating still isn't quite mindless and it still takes a good amount of energy to chew certain things so I'm not actively trying tot lose weight at the moment its just kind of an added bonus.


Oh! so for my senior art therapy capstone class we had to pick a personal theme to work with and naturally since art therapy is all about "process over product" I decided to make my theme "personal transformations" in reference to this recovery. I had to write a short paper about it and include visual aids and I made this. Again, asymmetry isn't something you notice until you notice it.