3 years post op and a new recovery

Hey internet friends! 

I’m three years post op today and figured I’d check in! A lot has happened since I last posted: turns out all of the being obsessed with food and weight loss during my jaw surgery recovery was not normal, I have an eating disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. My therapist says that I’ve been struggling with it since high school and then after my surgery when I was obsessing about my weight and my food and planning all of the things I could and could not eat was my first relapse. I only found out when I relapsed again this past year after a break up that ripped my world apart. Go back and read my posts from early on in the recovery and you can see where some of the disordered thoughts came in. Keep in mind I wasn’t telling the world everything going on in my head. I wasn’t posting about the anxiety around food or the calorie counting or the obsessive way I was competing with myself over how long I could go without eating or anything like that because I didn’t want anyone to know. 

Moral of that story is: I have a shitty relationship with food and body image so don’t listen to my food advice lol Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to address: Insatiable, the new Netflix series. 

The show is about a high school senior (played by Debbie Ryan) who is referred to as “Fatty Patty” due to being in a larger body. One day she gets into a fight and ends up breaking her jaw and having it wired shut for three months during which she lost 70lbs. Now that she’s skinny she believes in “skinny magic” that will make her life better than ever and starts competing in beauty pageants with the help of a disgraced lawyer. 

This is the most toxic premise for a show I have come across in a long time. However because I have had the experience with a broken jaw/liquid diet that lead to weight loss and I have an eating disorder I wanted to watch the show so I could criticize it accurately. Thoughts: 

1. Anytime a thin actor/actress wears a fat suit, it is body shaming. Any time weight is used as a punch line or a “tragic backstory” people all over the world in larger bodies hear the message “you are not good enough as you are and you should change”. A classic example is Monica’s backstory from Friends. 

(Can we also just acknowledge that Monica in her "fat" body was a totally normal weight and the only reason she decided to lose weight was to get revenge on Chandler for calling her fat on Thanksgiving.)

2. Losing 70lbs in three months is NOT HEALTHY no matter how you lose it. I lost over 50lbs after my surgery in less than four months. No matter how you lose the weight it’s not sustainable, it’s not healthy and it’s not a cure for self esteem issues. 

3. A broken jaw fucking hurts. Also liquid diets SUCKKKKKK. literally. I don’t even want to think about all the sea turtles I killed with all the straws I used. Also eating with a syringe takes real effort and coordination that I don’t wish on anyone. I certainly would not recommend it to someone as a means to lose weight.

4. In the show Patty’s pageant platform is eating disorders. Which could have been awesome if they were raising awareness in the right way. However the way the show uses this platform promotes diet culture. —Patty’s sponsor is a fast food restaurant called Wiener Taco, to raise money for a big pageant Patty creates a new menu item called “LEANER taco” which completely promotes the idea that some foods are bad and others are good. there is no such thing as “good” or “bad” Foods. All food belongs in a healthy lifestyle. Yes even whatever the fuck a wiener taco is. Say it louder for the people in the back: ALL FOOD BELONGS IN A HEALTHY DIET. 

5. This show never should have been about Patty. Patty is a horrible role model. One of the other beauty queens is Dee, a queer, black, beauty queen in a larger body. She shows up and dominates the stage with her talent and confidence. Her platform for pageants is self esteem and proving to others that you don’t have to look a certain way to be a beauty queen. THIS IS THE SHOW I WANT TO WATCH!!! 6. Patty is the thin, white, with a fucked up family history, stereotype of an eating disorder who believes that skinny is magic. Not all eating disorders look like this. Not all fat people want or need to lose weight. Dee accepts her body as it is and isn’t ashamed to love herself. This show could have been about Dees “insatiable” desire to promote body acceptance and win pageants despite not being what the judges are used to, this show could have been about defying the norm and making that feel OKAY for people everywhere. 

To be honest I still struggle with convincing myself that there are no good or bad foods. I struggle with the idea that losing more weight or weighing less is not the answer to my self esteem problem. And that reaching the lowest number possible isn’t going to magically make my life better. Logically of course I know that it’s not accurate but I have a disordered way of thinking that is reinforced by society...so you see the problem. Anorexia ruined my life: I had to drop out of grad school, quit my job and honestly it’s probably what ruined my relationship with my ex because I was anxious and upset about my appearance all the time and who wants to date that? 

The recovery from my surgery is drastically different from my recovery from anorexia. Recovering from the surgery was so important because it felt like the magic fix to my self esteem and my life, and for a little bit it was just that. I WANTED to recover from that. I am not sure that I want to recover from my ED. So maybe this recovery blog isn't about my jaw anymore...

Holiday Update

Happy Holidays Blogisphere!

I am now about a year and four months post-op, and I just got back from a family party where I was told a couple dozen times how good I look--which is very kind of everyone! I'm feeling very thankful for the privilege of being able to get this surgery when I did. Since April I have been swelling, braces and restriction free which feels amazing. It really is incredible to show up at a family party and FINALLY see a resemblance to family members now that my face isn't deformed.

Again, if you are looking into craniofacial surgery to correct any kind of abnormality, I will be the first to tell you it sucks and it will be the worst year of your life, shortly followed by the best year of your life. I now have a good job in my field, I have an amazing boyfriend who is really a blessing all on his own, I have a wonderful roommate and I have not-too-terrible social life all of which I never would have had the confidence to work for or even ask for before the surgery.

I feel blessed this holiday season and I hope all of you do too (especially those who might still be in the liquid diet phase, just keep working that straw guys, you'll get to eat anything you want soon).

ONE YEAR POST OP

Its here. It happened. I am officially one year Post-Op for double jaw surgery. It has been a wild ride with a lot of huge milestones that I am really happy I got to accomplish with a new confidence I never had before thanks to Yale and Dr. Stienbacher. I had a great senior internship, graduated from college, moved out, got a "big girl" job, met a great guy, made awesome new friends and I am happy that I got to share that all with you. As much as I struggled with this recovery in the beginning, I think I would go back and do it all again because the results were so so worth it. I smile more now than I ever did before.

I can't thank all of you enough for following this blog, it has been a great outlet during this recovery and I love reading all of the comments that have been posted and I encourage you guys to share this blog on all social media and to continue to post comments and questions.  I hope to be able to support as many people as I can who are just starting this process!

11 MONTHS POST-OP

I am so sorry that this post is late I have been crazy busy this summer! I have some great news though!

Unfortunately the camp job didn't work out due to some personal conflicts (none jaw related) but I got hired full time at a hospital and I am moving to MA! I am so excited about this new phase in my life and I can't wait to get started.

So jaw updates... there are none. I had an appointment with the surgeon today, the last one EVER (as long as I don't get punched in the face or suddenly have trouble breathing through my nose) and he said that everything looks good.

I can't believe I am already 11 months post-op, last year at this time I was just getting ready for the surgery and now I am almost fully recovered! Thanks again for following this blog and I will make my last post on/around the 1 year post op date!

10 MONTHS POST OP

Hi there! I know I am really late with this post but 10 MONTHS POST OP WOOOOO!

I have been crazy busy this month, I have been working 4 days a week, volunteering and taking two online classes, I barely have time to sleep let alone update this blog. 

The only Jaw update I have for you guys is about my new retainer. Its technically called a SomethingICan'tRemember Splint. It is a heavy clear retainer that fits like a night guard and is fused together at the molars. Its job is to hold my teeth and jaw in place while so my jaw isn't hanging to one side or moving too much while I sleep. Its really bulky and rather uncomfortable but I've been pretty good about wearing it. My orthodontist said that if it was too uncomfortable I should alternate nights wearing the Splint and wearing the clear retainers so that is what I have been doing. 

Unfortunately, I have some bad news. I may not be able to post for my 11 month and 1 year post op dates. I am working as a counselor at a camp for children who have experienced trauma and I will have limited internet access while there. Its an 8 week commitment so if I cannot post on the dates I will post as soon as I get back to my regular life at the end of the summer!

This has been such a painful and yet totally amazing process and I am happy that I got to share it with all of you!

Have a great summer everyone!

 

9 MONTHS POST OP

I'm sorry this post is late but I was a little busy with finals and GRADUATING from college woo!

I got to walk across the stage without braces and take pictures without worrying about which way my head was turning, I could not be more thrilled and grateful.

Some updates:

1. The left side of my smile pulls up farther than the right side, I assume that is just muscle memory because my jaw was crooked for so long, not concerned about it just an observation.

2. My jaw clicks sometimes, I only ever hear it on the right side and only usually when I am eating something particularly chewy. It also clicks more when its raining.

3. I have been diligently wearing my retainer at night and whenever I am just lounging around during the day, I haven't noticed any shifting so its working yay! I have an appointment in two weeks to get the more heavy duty retainer that I will wear at night.

4. I got a job! This summer I will be a counselor at a camp for children who have experienced trauma which is very exciting! Unfortunately, it also means that I might not be able to post for the last two months of my year long recovery. I promise to update for both when I can as it is a huge event.

Thats all I have for you right now!

THE BRACES ARE GONE

Hello blogisphere, THE BRACES ARE EFFING GONE.

Yeah thats right I am no longer a brace face. I celebrated by going out for drinks with my cousin and some friends and it was wonderful.

I have clear retainers for the top and bottom teeth and I will be getting a "splint" in about a month or so, which I will wear at night, as I understand it, it is just a more heavy duty retainer to wear at night more as precaution than anything. I told them that they could give me head gear to wear at night and I wouldn't complain as long as I didn't have the braces anymore. For right now my instructions are to wear the clear retainers "as often as possible" even if that means just at night or when I'm hanging around the house. This is good because they give me a horrible lisp.

As I was warned by all my friends I have been licking my teeth with my tongue incessantly. Its partially because my teeth feel so freaking weird and also because I need to remind myself that the braces aren't there. It seriously felt like I would have them forever.

I have a great job lined up for the summer, the braces are gone, I'm graduating in a couple weeks and it was 60 degrees today. Life is pretty good right now.

8 MONTHS POST OP

Welp, the braces did not come off on April 13th because there was a space between two teeth that shouldn't have been there so I am going back in a week to see if they are ready to come off then. I really really hope they do.


Other than that I don't really have any updates for you guys! I don't have any issues with swelling, eating or pain anymore and I can open my mouth wide enough to fit three fingers so everything is working out really well in that department!

I will update again when the braces FINALLY come off!

7 MONTHS POST-OP

Okay so 7 months. Damn.

I saw my surgeon and the orthodontist this week and good news from both doctors!!

Surgeon said that everything looks good and he'll see me in a few months and the orthodontist said he thinks my braces can come off on April 13th!!!!!!! Its not for sure yet but he scheduled me for the morning so we had plenty of time to do the work and said that if my teeth look good he will just take them off then and put me in the retainers! I'm going to have two invisible retainers to wear during the day and one "splint" retainer to wear at night that is just a precaution so my teeth stay in place. One of the techs at the orthodontist's office said I was one of her favorite cases and that getting braces off in 13 months is unheard of (5 months ahead of schedule!). I am super excited and I can't wait to celebrate!

Thats all the updates I have! I'll post again on April 13th!!!!

6 MONTHS POST-OP

I can't believe I am halfway through this process already!

I mean what even...

Just on a personal note, I'm doing pretty great. I am busier than I have ever been in my college career but I am loving every minute of my internship and my classes....are tolerable...lol.

I have come to terms with the loss of my ability to touch my tongue to my nose and I will have to find a new unusual talent. Suggestions are welcome.

Swelling/Face Stuff: My right cheek is still ever so slightly swollen but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who sees it. If you look at the picture you can see that my right ear is a little bit higher than the left ear, which makes my glasses sit crooked on my face but otherwise doesn't bother me. I have most of the elasticity back in my cheeks which is awesome, and there is only one small part of my lower lip that is still a little bit numb but again I'm not bothered by it. Overall, I am so so so happy with the results! Would I do it again? I definitely don't want to relive any of the awful uncomfortable, painful parts but I am a much happier and more confident person now and that is so worth it.
 
Pain/Jaw Stuff: I don't have much pain anymore, unless I eat really chewy pizza crust or I try too hard to stuff a sandwich in my mouth. I can open the width of two fingers now which isn't quite as wide as a normal person can open their jaw but its functional and I am totally okay with it. I noticed that my range of motion is coming back, I can move my jaw a minuscule amount to each side and I can push it forward a little too! I haven't been exercising these new abilities though since I don't want to cause any damage. The twitching stopped too which is great since that was uncomfortable and worrisome. 
 


Braces: ARE COMING OFF IN APRIL JUST IN TIME FOR MY 22ND BIRTHDAY!! I still have one band on the left side that I have to wear for 12 hours a day but who cares?! I will be braces-free in only two months!!!! Thats 5 months earlier than they originally anticipated! I will worship Dr. Jeff forever.

Just hang tight fellow jaw surgery recipients, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (Pretty sure its the orthodontist's head flashlight thingy shining into your eyes as they remove the braces).