5 MONTHS POST-OP

HOLY SHITBALLS BATMAN IT'S BEEN FIVE MONTHS. Almost...I am three days early but honestly, I'm bored and I took a cute selfie yesterday. Don't judge me.

Swelling: Mostly gone but when its really cold, I sleep on one side too long or I eat something particularly chewy I notice some extra swelling. But for the most part its gone, Mama lady even says that I'm getting my cheekbones back.

Eating/Braces: EVERYTHING. I can open almost all the way. I can fit two fingers in my mouth but I'm a little less than 40-42mm according to my orthodontist, who by the way says the braces can come off in March/April. All thats left to do is move one tooth and how long can that take really? He put a bend in the wire that is supposed to do that, and gave me new bands (penguin size whatever that means) I only wear one on the right side and only at night/at home. I have found it to be too much of a pain in the ass to wear bands during the day in public.

Jaw Pain: When its really cold/raining/snowing my jaw hurts pretty bad and it twitches but apparently that is normal...I emailed Yale about it. Nothing Tylenol can't fix. But I don't feel like my face is broken anymore so thats awesome!

Weight Loss: I lost almost 50 lbs. But I gained about 7 of it back over break though because I haven't been working out the way I do at school. I go back next week though, I start my internship and I will not have time to relax and lay in bed anymore so I'm not that concerned about losing it again. Again, let me emphasize that that is NOT normal for most jaw surgery recipients nor do I recommend a liquid diet or a restricted diet for weight loss. The first 15-20 lbs was lost thanks to the restricted diet, the last leg of the weight loss was largely due to stress, walking everywhere and small portion sizes.

Advice: Once you're comfortable chewing again, chew gum. I think doing that has really helped increase my chewing tolerance and my range of motion.

4 Months Post-Op

I'm a day late but...FOUR MONTHS WOOOOOOO! Not much to report unless you want to hear about my finals.

Swelling: Just a little on the right side as usual. Bleh.

Eating: Anything I want! I have been eating sandwiches recently but the catch is that I have to squish them flat first, I've been really into grilled cheese.

Jaw Pain: Not too much, my joints hurt when its really cold out. I still can't open my jaw all the way so when I open a little to wide (like when I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich) I do feel some pain, my jaw shifts side to side a little more now but it also twitches randomly and that can hurt a little bit. Its not so much that any of that is really painful as much as its just annoying or achey.

Weight Loss: None of my pants fit. Its really annoying. Good, but annoying. Leggings are my best friends.

That is really all I have for you this month...but I will have more updates after my next visits with the ortho and the surgeon while I am home on break!

Happy Holidays!!

Day 103 (14 weeks post op...Right?)

So I mean this is pretty cool. I look like a totally different person. Thankfully I don't have anything exciting to update about this week.

Swelling: That right jaw dude. It's been a little extra swollen lately but I've been sleeping on my face a lot recently but I'm not sacrificing comfortable sleep for being a little less swollen.

Eating: ANYTHING I WANT YO. Except sandwiches because braces and I can't open all the way yet but I'm getting there. I've been really into pretzels with Nutella lately. So good.

Jaw Pain: My jaw muscles do feel extra tight lately and opening wide is a little more uncomfortable than it has been, but I'm pretty sure thats most likely due to the weather, cold wind and rain are harsh on joints. Bright side: I can almost fit two fingers in my mouth I am so so so so close to being able to do it. 10 more millimeters to go before I can open all the way! I'm really trying to be mindful not to force my jaw open because the surgeon told me that jaw exercises could damage integrity of the surgery and I definitely do not want to do that. Another thing I've noticed is that my joints are twitching like they did way back in the first few weeks post op. Which I am taking as a sign that my muscles and joints are rebuilding.

Weight Loss: I dropped the Thanksgiving weight already and I'm sure if I keep up with eating healthier and exercising I will drop a few more pounds but I am pretty comfortable where I'm at right now so I'm not actively trying to lose weight anymore...mostly because I can't afford to have to buy new pants every few weeks. Thank god its leggings season. Judge me all you want for wearing leggings as pants, I'll fight you. And I'll win because I will have full range of motion because I'm wearing leggings.

Numbness: That one part of my lower lip is still numb but I barely notice it now, and all of the numbness in my chin is gone! Wooo!

Day 100

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I know I did...I gained four pounds this weekend but it was SO WORTH IT.

So last Tuesday I saw the surgeon and the orthodontist and my visit with the surgeon was less than ten minutes and it all looks good! He said definitely no jaw exercises because they don't want to force my jaw in any direction and my full range of motion will come back the more I chew and talk.

Right now I can open 30 mm and I need to get to 40 mm. But that seems doable.

After that I saw Dr. Jeff at the orthodontist and NO MORE BANDS (for now, I might need them again in a few weeks but I'm going to enjoy it while I can) OR SURGICAL HOOKS! They put a chain on my teeth because they were a little gappy in the front, took the zig-zaggy thing off too (yes that is the technical term) which I found out was to keep my teeth from getting loose and moving around during and after the surgery. My teeth feel so much lighter without all that gear on them. Then the girl who was putting my new wires on promised me that at the very latest, the braces will be off by May for my graduation!

I was a little extra swollen after the ortho because I had to hold my jaw open for so long but its going down now.

I will add pictures tomorrow but I am off to a concert with some friends tonight, I just wanted to update on the 100th day because I mean how cool is that?

Day 90 (3 MONTHS POST OP!)

Three months. It has been three months since I had some surgeons break my face. What?
Speaking of surgeons, I will update on this again after I have my 3 month appointment with them next week.

I've answered this questions a million times but since this is another one of those huge mile stones (my bones are supposedly all healed now) I think I will answer it again: Would I do it all over again? Honestly? Seeing the results and having all the shitty parts of this recovery behind me, yeah I think I would. I feel different, I look different and as cheesy as it sounds, it really did change my life and I don't think I could go back to being the person I was  all of the 21 years prior to the surgery. But again, I definitely would have not scheduled the surgery for right before my senior year of college, that was just bad planning on my part.

I'm only 90 days post op and technically that means I have 275 more to go before I am considered fully recovered so I still have a long way to go but I think its really important to celebrate or at least acknowledge the milestones otherwise its easy to lose sight of where you came from. So with that in mind I decided to put together some of the pictures from the highs and lows of this recovery so far just to show how much progress can be made in 90 days.

1. Before. You've seen it.
2. Day 8: when my face swelled up a ridiculous amount because I was allergic to NSAIDs.
3. Day 9: They took the bands off that kept my mouth closed and the gross chin bandage!
4. Day 10: I CAN DRINK THROUGH A STRAW!
5. Day 16: I CAN EAT MASHED POTATOES!
6. Day 19: I moved into my dorm room.
7. Day 21: My smile doesn't look that creepy anymore...right?
8. Day 27: I took Turmeric to help with jaw pain and ended up with kidney stones.
9. Day 40: FINALLY feeling better after the kidney stones.
10. Day 41: Six weeks post op = I can start chewing...Or not because then I got a site infection.
11. Day 50: HEY LOOK I HAVE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AGAIN.
12. Day 61: 2 months post op!
13. Day 66: Look at how far I can open my mouth!
14: Day 70: 10 weeks post op!
15: Day 85: 12 weeks post op!
16: Day 90: AHHHHHH!

Finally, the updates.

Swelling: As always my right cheek is ever so slightly more swollen than the left side but I'm pretty sure only I notice.

Eating: I can eat pretty much everything including pizza and salad. The only thing that gives me some issues is cut up melon. My school sells fruit cups with huge chunks of melon in them and if I don't cut them small enough I can't chew them and I have to gracefully spit out the melon chunk into a napkin and hope no one notices. I think I could probably do a small sandwich too but I haven't tried more because of the fear of getting mushed bread all up in my braces.

Jaw Pain: My jaw doesn't feel broken anymore really, I am so close to being able to fit the two fingers in my mouth but I am not quite there yet, I am hoping at my next appointment I can get some jaw exercises to do to help move that along. I do notice my jaw twitching on the left side again, but it usually only happens when I'm chewing something particularly hard like the melon, so I think its just muscle spasms. I also notice that sometimes if I sleep on one side all night I might not be able to hear as well out of that ear the next day, again residual swelling is probably to blame.

Day 84/85 (12 weeks post-op)

I'm a day late, sorry guys.

So again, nothing new to share really, I can't believe I'm only five days away from being 90 days post-op!



Swelling: I think my right cheek has finally decided to get with the program and not be as swollen, it seems to have gone down a little bit more. The say it takes a full six months for all the swelling to go down but I'm pretty happy with the progress it's made so far. The swelling under my chin that was giving me that super hot double chin has gone way down too.

*just a side note: its super hard to take selfies from a profile angle.

Eating: Nothing new in this area, I can eat pretty much everything, the only thing that is a little challenging is hard crunchy things like raw carrots. Sandwiches are still out of the picture for now because I can't open wide enough to bite into them but I can bite into pizza and chew salad and thats all I really need in life. Eating still requires some focus though, I have to make sure I'm chewing the food enough to swallow but I'm also paying close attention to how I'm chewing, if the food requires more of an up and down motion or if its more of a grinding motion.

Jaw Pain: No pain, but I have been noticing more of that snap-crackle-pop sound in my left joint, its not painful just a little weird. I still can't open my jaw all the way but I can open it slightly wider, not quite wide enough for two fingers but again making progress. I also noticed the other day that I've been resting my face in my hand during class and it doesn't hurt where if I did that a few weeks ago I definitely would have noticed a little discomfort, it also doesn't hurt to sleep with pressure on my face. I can move my jaw side to side a little more now though it feels a little awkward and makes me nervous so I try not to force it too much. I haven't had to email the surgeon's office in a while so I'm sure they are happy not to have to deal with me.

Numbness: I realized I hadn't addressed this in a long time so I figured I would make mention of it now. Part of my lower lip and my chin are still numb, its getting better though, I can feel that I'm touching it, I can feel hot and cold, but its like pins and needles or like when you accidentally cut off circulation to your hand when you sleep on it for too long.

Weight Loss: I went home last weekend and was shocked to find out that I lost another five pounds making my total weight loss so far 30 pounds! I was about 190/195 lbs on the day of the surgery and now I am 160 lbs which was my goal weight for this recovery. Again, I feel like its important to mention that this is way more than the average jaw surgery recipient and I was overweight before the surgery and this kind of weight loss would not be healthy or normal for someone if they started at a healthy weight, nor am I recommending a liquid diet as a means for weight loss. It just happens to be a bonus for me. I credit a lot of it to the fact that I am back at school though, I walk everywhere, I'm eating way healthier foods in smaller portions and the fact that I really have to concentrate on chewing when I eat makes me eat slower and makes me pay more attention to whether I'm full or not. So while the recovery definitely jump-started the weight loss its been some lifestyle changes that have kept it going.

Just one more thing:

I talked about identity and the psychological impact this kind of surgery can have on people in my last post and I just want to mention that one more time. It it really important to think of this as a whole-body and mind experience that WILL change your life even if you don't expect it to, so I would definitely encourage anyone pursuing this surgery to consider counseling during the recovery process.

"You Can Hide It With A Scarf"

On Wednesday I posted my 11week post-op update, but I left out a detail of that day that I have been thinking about a lot since. I talked to some friends in my capstone class tonight and I think its something that needs to be included in this blog. Fair warning though: I'm about to get real deep into the emotional shit right now.

We are starting a new project in my introduction to painting class this week: a self-portrait. This is already a touchy subject for me as I am sure you can imagine considering the what the surgery was for. Well, we were told to bring in a picture of ourselves that we can paint. I was the only one who remembered to bring one in. Well, as we begin talking about starting the process of painting a self-portrait, the professor hands out a packet on how to draw faces and the "rules of symmetry". At this point my anxiety level starts building up, I can feel my heart racing, and a sense of doom washed over me and the professor starts talking about these rules.

Just as a side note, I really like this professor, she has made this 8:00am painting class really interesting and I am actually enjoying it, but that day she really fucked up. The professor talks about how eyes are always the length of one eye apart, the face always takes up 1/3 of the head and so on. She said "I've never come across anyone who these rules didn't apply to, and I would be shocked if I met someone who did". Well rules always have exceptions and that exception is me. I'm sitting there listening to this and trying to hold it together because this lecture is really bringing up some major emotional baggage for me, when the professor starts explaining drawing faces and making sure we have shadows. She picked up my picture and points out the shadows and how we would paint the different values. Then she goes back to talking about the "rules" and says "sometimes there are distortions...here is a good example" picks up my picture (which I took literally 12 hours earlier) and points out my chin in relation to my nose. I didn't get to hear what she said about this distortion because I left the room to go ride out a panic attack in the bathroom.

After pulling it together enough to go back to class I decided I needed to talk to the teacher about what was going on because painting a self-portrait is going to be a struggle. I went up to her after class and explained, as best I could even though I was crying again and trying not to hyperventilate, that the surgery I told her about at the beginning of the semester was to correct a bone deformity that caused facial asymmetry and doing this self-portrait might be overwhelming sometimes so please just bear with me if I need to take a break or start crying in class again. I showed her the before picture hoping that would add to the significance of having to do a painting of myself.

She said "Well you know you can use any picture you want, you could hide it with a hat or a scarf" and "you were a beautiful girl then and you are now". 

I need to talk about that for a minute. While I'm sure she meant it to be supportive and that she didn't want me to have to paint something that would make me upset, she clearly misunderstood why it upset me.

My FACE, the first thing you see when you meet new people, look in the mirror, and the thing that literally identifies a person, was crooked and was only going to become more and more crooked as I got older. There was always this level of not knowing what my "real" face would have been if I hadn't been born with this mutation. And it defined my entire life from the moment the first orthodontist pointed it out. It decided how I did my hair, what clothes I bought, how I posed in pictures, how I socialized, how I ate, how I talked, everything. In a way, it stole an identity I could have had. One I'm reclaiming now.

Everyone has insecurities, thats just part of growing up, but, by adulthood most people learn to address their insecurities in a way that makes them feel more secure. Acne, for example, can be covered with make-up, changed by eating healthier, using face wash regularly and treated with certain medications. No amount of make-up or soap or prescriptions would make my jaw stop growing in the wrong direction or change my genetic make-up so one random gene wasn't mutated.

I have mentioned a few times that I was insecure about my chin and my jaw before the surgery and I have heard the "you were always beautiful" line a bunch of times from a lot of people and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the compliment and the amount of support I have gotten through this process is absolutely incredible and it means so much to me...

But, I wasn't insecure because I perceived my chin and my jaw as something that made me ugly; I didn't like it, I desperately wished it would magically go away but it was never a question of beauty. Sometimes when someone tells me "you were beautiful then and you still are" it can be a little invalidating, like this was something that could be a hashtag on twitter #embraceyourface or some bullshit. No. This isn't something to embrace or that the media has an unreasonable standard of beauty for. Facial symmetry is literally the norm; people of all genders, races and socioeconomic status are usually born with all their features in the position they will remain in forever. But not those of us who have skeletal malocclusions.

It can be isolating to look around you and know that the person sitting across the room from you will never have to think about the position of their chin. But thats why I'm posting this. Finding the other blogs from people who needed to have double jaw surgery was like finally finding people who could relate to me, yet, none of them ever addressed this part of the experience and its important.

I couldn't be more thankful or blessed that the nightmare is over and I am well on my way to a full recovery. Maybe I'm just being an emotional art therapy major who is super touchy feely about this stuff but if there is a chance that someone else will read this and feel validated that there is at least one person who understands then this blog has done it's job.

As for my self portrait, I have spent the last however many years of my life hiding and trying to be invisible, but I don't feel like I need to do that anymore. So no professor, I will not be hiding my jaw with hat or a scarf and thats still new for me so I don't know exactly what that means yet. I hope you don't mind that I modified the "rules" for my senior exhibition project though, after all, rules are made to be broken.

 Read this article if you are interested in how major changes in appearance can affect your identity.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/can-drastically-changing-your-face-give-you-an-ide?utm_term=.bylYGa3Bm

Day 77 (11 weeks post-op)

Inching closer to that three month mark!

Happy Halloween! I know I'm a couple days late on that one but I've been a little busy, my roommate from freshman year came up for Halloween weekend and I got to spend most of Sunday with her (I was sick on Saturday and couldn't go out). But we took some really cute pictures.

Swelling: I ditched the jaw bra last week because it was starting to just get in the way so I do have some extra swelling in the morning but it goes away pretty quickly. I also sleep on my stomach now and it no longer hurts to put pressure on my cheeks/jaw, I'm still not sure its a good idea to sleep with a lot of pressure on my face so I usually support my head with my hand or a pillow with all the pressure on my temple. As for other swelling its always that right jaw/cheek, some days I notice it, some days I don't. I've been too preoccupied with getting an internship and keeping up with classwork to think about it.


Eating: Pretty much everything. I had some pizza type food today in the dining hall, it wasn't quite pizza but it wasn't quite anything else but I was able to chew it! AND I ATE A SALAD THIS WEEK. I won't lie to you, it was a little bit of a struggle but I am S L O W L Y getting my range of motion back in my jaw. Aside from super hard/crunchy foods like carrot sticks and celery I'm really not limited to what I can eat.

Jaw Pain: I am still pain free!! WOOO! I am still not able to fit the two fingers in my mouth but stretching out the muscles in my jaw doesn't hurt so I practice a little when I take the bands off to eat. I did notice that when I open my mouth sometimes I can hear a very faint snap/crackle/pop sound in my left joint. It doesn't hurt and its not loud so I'm not that concerned about it. My braces are driving me nuts though, there is one bracket in the back that is grinding into my cheek but I can't put wax on it because its too far back. I can't wait to be done with these things. 

Weight Loss: Leggings are my new best friend, in the vein of honesty, I should confess that I have a severe case of white girl flat ass syndrome. Its disturbing and there are no support groups. But since losing the weight my favorite, perfectly-broken-in-holes-in-the-right-spot jeans have been sagging like Justin Bieber's harem pants. I haven't stepped on a scale in a while but I had to buy new jeans last weekend  and I have gone down two sizes! I'm going home to CT to do some more shopping with my mom this weekend because as much as I love over-sized sweaters they cannot be my whole wardrobe. Though if Boston stays at 60-75 degrees like it has been the last few days I may not need sweaters at all (yay global warming!). I'm still not eating as often or as much as I used to before the surgery because eating still isn't quite mindless and it still takes a good amount of energy to chew certain things so I'm not actively trying tot lose weight at the moment its just kind of an added bonus.


Oh! so for my senior art therapy capstone class we had to pick a personal theme to work with and naturally since art therapy is all about "process over product" I decided to make my theme "personal transformations" in reference to this recovery. I had to write a short paper about it and include visual aids and I made this. Again, asymmetry isn't something you notice until you notice it.

 

Day 70 (10 Weeks Post-op)

Holy Jaw surgery Batman! It's been 10 weeks. What? How? HRRNNNGGGGG!


So thankfully again, not much to report on or update about.

Swelling: Right jaw is still more swollen than the rest of my face, but only by a little bit. 

Eating: I feel so well prepared for Thanksgiving. I can eat pretty much everything except sandwiches because I can't open wide enough yet. Steak would be really difficult too but I don't eat steak so thats not really an issue for me. I haven't tried salad or pizza yet but I feel pretty confident that I will be able to eat those things too. I had some melon today that was in really big chunks that I needed to cut into smaller/thiner pieces but chewing it was no problem. This week I also got to eat sesame chicken from the Chinese place at the mall. Chewing is finally starting to feel natural again and my jaw doesn't open by itself anymore.

Jaw pain: No pain! Still a little tight every once in a while but thats not painful. Also, you probably assumed by now, but I forgot to say it in the last post: I CAN BRUSH MY TEETH NORMALLY!!!! Even with the bands on! Okay so its a children's toothbrush that looks like a green crayon but its a toothbrush and I am so happy.

when I went to the orthodontist a few weeks ago they gave me slightly larger bands to use when I ran out of the ones from the hospital. I cheated and started using them about a week after getting them because they are just so much more comfortable on my teeth and I can open wider with them on which is so helpful. Below is a picture of the new bands compared to the old ones.









Thats all I've got for you guys this week. I'm starting to get a lot busier and since I don't anticipate having anymore complications to talk about, I'm thinking I am going to only post about once a week until I reach the 90 day (3 months) mark. After that I'll update like every other week or so just to track the milestones with my final post on the year mark! Woohoo!

Day 66

Wow its been a long time since I posted! I even forgot to post on the 9 week mark last Wednesday. Its mid-terms time so I have been crazy busy. But, I do have some awesome updates:


Swelling: Maybe its just wishful thinking but I'm pretty sure the swelling in the right side of my jaw has gone down slightly! I barely notice it anymore. 

Eating: I don't feel too limited anymore, I just ate a cheeseburger without the bun and had no problems. Sandwiches are still slightly out of my reach because I can open all the way just yet and of course the braces thing. But I think this week I am going to see how I do with pizza and maybe salad. I feel slightly more confident about moving my jaw side to side now so I think I'll give it a shot. 

Jaw Pain: I'm pretty much pain free, the muscles feel tight sometimes but thats not really painful. I do notice some aches after being outside when its cold for a while in my right jaw but I also had that before the surgery. But I can almost fit the width of two fingers in my mouth!!