4 Months Post-Op

I'm a day late but...FOUR MONTHS WOOOOOOO! Not much to report unless you want to hear about my finals.

Swelling: Just a little on the right side as usual. Bleh.

Eating: Anything I want! I have been eating sandwiches recently but the catch is that I have to squish them flat first, I've been really into grilled cheese.

Jaw Pain: Not too much, my joints hurt when its really cold out. I still can't open my jaw all the way so when I open a little to wide (like when I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich) I do feel some pain, my jaw shifts side to side a little more now but it also twitches randomly and that can hurt a little bit. Its not so much that any of that is really painful as much as its just annoying or achey.

Weight Loss: None of my pants fit. Its really annoying. Good, but annoying. Leggings are my best friends.

That is really all I have for you this month...but I will have more updates after my next visits with the ortho and the surgeon while I am home on break!

Happy Holidays!!

Day 103 (14 weeks post op...Right?)

So I mean this is pretty cool. I look like a totally different person. Thankfully I don't have anything exciting to update about this week.

Swelling: That right jaw dude. It's been a little extra swollen lately but I've been sleeping on my face a lot recently but I'm not sacrificing comfortable sleep for being a little less swollen.

Eating: ANYTHING I WANT YO. Except sandwiches because braces and I can't open all the way yet but I'm getting there. I've been really into pretzels with Nutella lately. So good.

Jaw Pain: My jaw muscles do feel extra tight lately and opening wide is a little more uncomfortable than it has been, but I'm pretty sure thats most likely due to the weather, cold wind and rain are harsh on joints. Bright side: I can almost fit two fingers in my mouth I am so so so so close to being able to do it. 10 more millimeters to go before I can open all the way! I'm really trying to be mindful not to force my jaw open because the surgeon told me that jaw exercises could damage integrity of the surgery and I definitely do not want to do that. Another thing I've noticed is that my joints are twitching like they did way back in the first few weeks post op. Which I am taking as a sign that my muscles and joints are rebuilding.

Weight Loss: I dropped the Thanksgiving weight already and I'm sure if I keep up with eating healthier and exercising I will drop a few more pounds but I am pretty comfortable where I'm at right now so I'm not actively trying to lose weight anymore...mostly because I can't afford to have to buy new pants every few weeks. Thank god its leggings season. Judge me all you want for wearing leggings as pants, I'll fight you. And I'll win because I will have full range of motion because I'm wearing leggings.

Numbness: That one part of my lower lip is still numb but I barely notice it now, and all of the numbness in my chin is gone! Wooo!

Day 100

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I know I did...I gained four pounds this weekend but it was SO WORTH IT.

So last Tuesday I saw the surgeon and the orthodontist and my visit with the surgeon was less than ten minutes and it all looks good! He said definitely no jaw exercises because they don't want to force my jaw in any direction and my full range of motion will come back the more I chew and talk.

Right now I can open 30 mm and I need to get to 40 mm. But that seems doable.

After that I saw Dr. Jeff at the orthodontist and NO MORE BANDS (for now, I might need them again in a few weeks but I'm going to enjoy it while I can) OR SURGICAL HOOKS! They put a chain on my teeth because they were a little gappy in the front, took the zig-zaggy thing off too (yes that is the technical term) which I found out was to keep my teeth from getting loose and moving around during and after the surgery. My teeth feel so much lighter without all that gear on them. Then the girl who was putting my new wires on promised me that at the very latest, the braces will be off by May for my graduation!

I was a little extra swollen after the ortho because I had to hold my jaw open for so long but its going down now.

I will add pictures tomorrow but I am off to a concert with some friends tonight, I just wanted to update on the 100th day because I mean how cool is that?

Day 90 (3 MONTHS POST OP!)

Three months. It has been three months since I had some surgeons break my face. What?
Speaking of surgeons, I will update on this again after I have my 3 month appointment with them next week.

I've answered this questions a million times but since this is another one of those huge mile stones (my bones are supposedly all healed now) I think I will answer it again: Would I do it all over again? Honestly? Seeing the results and having all the shitty parts of this recovery behind me, yeah I think I would. I feel different, I look different and as cheesy as it sounds, it really did change my life and I don't think I could go back to being the person I was  all of the 21 years prior to the surgery. But again, I definitely would have not scheduled the surgery for right before my senior year of college, that was just bad planning on my part.

I'm only 90 days post op and technically that means I have 275 more to go before I am considered fully recovered so I still have a long way to go but I think its really important to celebrate or at least acknowledge the milestones otherwise its easy to lose sight of where you came from. So with that in mind I decided to put together some of the pictures from the highs and lows of this recovery so far just to show how much progress can be made in 90 days.

1. Before. You've seen it.
2. Day 8: when my face swelled up a ridiculous amount because I was allergic to NSAIDs.
3. Day 9: They took the bands off that kept my mouth closed and the gross chin bandage!
4. Day 10: I CAN DRINK THROUGH A STRAW!
5. Day 16: I CAN EAT MASHED POTATOES!
6. Day 19: I moved into my dorm room.
7. Day 21: My smile doesn't look that creepy anymore...right?
8. Day 27: I took Turmeric to help with jaw pain and ended up with kidney stones.
9. Day 40: FINALLY feeling better after the kidney stones.
10. Day 41: Six weeks post op = I can start chewing...Or not because then I got a site infection.
11. Day 50: HEY LOOK I HAVE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AGAIN.
12. Day 61: 2 months post op!
13. Day 66: Look at how far I can open my mouth!
14: Day 70: 10 weeks post op!
15: Day 85: 12 weeks post op!
16: Day 90: AHHHHHH!

Finally, the updates.

Swelling: As always my right cheek is ever so slightly more swollen than the left side but I'm pretty sure only I notice.

Eating: I can eat pretty much everything including pizza and salad. The only thing that gives me some issues is cut up melon. My school sells fruit cups with huge chunks of melon in them and if I don't cut them small enough I can't chew them and I have to gracefully spit out the melon chunk into a napkin and hope no one notices. I think I could probably do a small sandwich too but I haven't tried more because of the fear of getting mushed bread all up in my braces.

Jaw Pain: My jaw doesn't feel broken anymore really, I am so close to being able to fit the two fingers in my mouth but I am not quite there yet, I am hoping at my next appointment I can get some jaw exercises to do to help move that along. I do notice my jaw twitching on the left side again, but it usually only happens when I'm chewing something particularly hard like the melon, so I think its just muscle spasms. I also notice that sometimes if I sleep on one side all night I might not be able to hear as well out of that ear the next day, again residual swelling is probably to blame.

Day 84/85 (12 weeks post-op)

I'm a day late, sorry guys.

So again, nothing new to share really, I can't believe I'm only five days away from being 90 days post-op!



Swelling: I think my right cheek has finally decided to get with the program and not be as swollen, it seems to have gone down a little bit more. The say it takes a full six months for all the swelling to go down but I'm pretty happy with the progress it's made so far. The swelling under my chin that was giving me that super hot double chin has gone way down too.

*just a side note: its super hard to take selfies from a profile angle.

Eating: Nothing new in this area, I can eat pretty much everything, the only thing that is a little challenging is hard crunchy things like raw carrots. Sandwiches are still out of the picture for now because I can't open wide enough to bite into them but I can bite into pizza and chew salad and thats all I really need in life. Eating still requires some focus though, I have to make sure I'm chewing the food enough to swallow but I'm also paying close attention to how I'm chewing, if the food requires more of an up and down motion or if its more of a grinding motion.

Jaw Pain: No pain, but I have been noticing more of that snap-crackle-pop sound in my left joint, its not painful just a little weird. I still can't open my jaw all the way but I can open it slightly wider, not quite wide enough for two fingers but again making progress. I also noticed the other day that I've been resting my face in my hand during class and it doesn't hurt where if I did that a few weeks ago I definitely would have noticed a little discomfort, it also doesn't hurt to sleep with pressure on my face. I can move my jaw side to side a little more now though it feels a little awkward and makes me nervous so I try not to force it too much. I haven't had to email the surgeon's office in a while so I'm sure they are happy not to have to deal with me.

Numbness: I realized I hadn't addressed this in a long time so I figured I would make mention of it now. Part of my lower lip and my chin are still numb, its getting better though, I can feel that I'm touching it, I can feel hot and cold, but its like pins and needles or like when you accidentally cut off circulation to your hand when you sleep on it for too long.

Weight Loss: I went home last weekend and was shocked to find out that I lost another five pounds making my total weight loss so far 30 pounds! I was about 190/195 lbs on the day of the surgery and now I am 160 lbs which was my goal weight for this recovery. Again, I feel like its important to mention that this is way more than the average jaw surgery recipient and I was overweight before the surgery and this kind of weight loss would not be healthy or normal for someone if they started at a healthy weight, nor am I recommending a liquid diet as a means for weight loss. It just happens to be a bonus for me. I credit a lot of it to the fact that I am back at school though, I walk everywhere, I'm eating way healthier foods in smaller portions and the fact that I really have to concentrate on chewing when I eat makes me eat slower and makes me pay more attention to whether I'm full or not. So while the recovery definitely jump-started the weight loss its been some lifestyle changes that have kept it going.

Just one more thing:

I talked about identity and the psychological impact this kind of surgery can have on people in my last post and I just want to mention that one more time. It it really important to think of this as a whole-body and mind experience that WILL change your life even if you don't expect it to, so I would definitely encourage anyone pursuing this surgery to consider counseling during the recovery process.

"You Can Hide It With A Scarf"

On Wednesday I posted my 11week post-op update, but I left out a detail of that day that I have been thinking about a lot since. I talked to some friends in my capstone class tonight and I think its something that needs to be included in this blog. Fair warning though: I'm about to get real deep into the emotional shit right now.

We are starting a new project in my introduction to painting class this week: a self-portrait. This is already a touchy subject for me as I am sure you can imagine considering the what the surgery was for. Well, we were told to bring in a picture of ourselves that we can paint. I was the only one who remembered to bring one in. Well, as we begin talking about starting the process of painting a self-portrait, the professor hands out a packet on how to draw faces and the "rules of symmetry". At this point my anxiety level starts building up, I can feel my heart racing, and a sense of doom washed over me and the professor starts talking about these rules.

Just as a side note, I really like this professor, she has made this 8:00am painting class really interesting and I am actually enjoying it, but that day she really fucked up. The professor talks about how eyes are always the length of one eye apart, the face always takes up 1/3 of the head and so on. She said "I've never come across anyone who these rules didn't apply to, and I would be shocked if I met someone who did". Well rules always have exceptions and that exception is me. I'm sitting there listening to this and trying to hold it together because this lecture is really bringing up some major emotional baggage for me, when the professor starts explaining drawing faces and making sure we have shadows. She picked up my picture and points out the shadows and how we would paint the different values. Then she goes back to talking about the "rules" and says "sometimes there are distortions...here is a good example" picks up my picture (which I took literally 12 hours earlier) and points out my chin in relation to my nose. I didn't get to hear what she said about this distortion because I left the room to go ride out a panic attack in the bathroom.

After pulling it together enough to go back to class I decided I needed to talk to the teacher about what was going on because painting a self-portrait is going to be a struggle. I went up to her after class and explained, as best I could even though I was crying again and trying not to hyperventilate, that the surgery I told her about at the beginning of the semester was to correct a bone deformity that caused facial asymmetry and doing this self-portrait might be overwhelming sometimes so please just bear with me if I need to take a break or start crying in class again. I showed her the before picture hoping that would add to the significance of having to do a painting of myself.

She said "Well you know you can use any picture you want, you could hide it with a hat or a scarf" and "you were a beautiful girl then and you are now". 

I need to talk about that for a minute. While I'm sure she meant it to be supportive and that she didn't want me to have to paint something that would make me upset, she clearly misunderstood why it upset me.

My FACE, the first thing you see when you meet new people, look in the mirror, and the thing that literally identifies a person, was crooked and was only going to become more and more crooked as I got older. There was always this level of not knowing what my "real" face would have been if I hadn't been born with this mutation. And it defined my entire life from the moment the first orthodontist pointed it out. It decided how I did my hair, what clothes I bought, how I posed in pictures, how I socialized, how I ate, how I talked, everything. In a way, it stole an identity I could have had. One I'm reclaiming now.

Everyone has insecurities, thats just part of growing up, but, by adulthood most people learn to address their insecurities in a way that makes them feel more secure. Acne, for example, can be covered with make-up, changed by eating healthier, using face wash regularly and treated with certain medications. No amount of make-up or soap or prescriptions would make my jaw stop growing in the wrong direction or change my genetic make-up so one random gene wasn't mutated.

I have mentioned a few times that I was insecure about my chin and my jaw before the surgery and I have heard the "you were always beautiful" line a bunch of times from a lot of people and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the compliment and the amount of support I have gotten through this process is absolutely incredible and it means so much to me...

But, I wasn't insecure because I perceived my chin and my jaw as something that made me ugly; I didn't like it, I desperately wished it would magically go away but it was never a question of beauty. Sometimes when someone tells me "you were beautiful then and you still are" it can be a little invalidating, like this was something that could be a hashtag on twitter #embraceyourface or some bullshit. No. This isn't something to embrace or that the media has an unreasonable standard of beauty for. Facial symmetry is literally the norm; people of all genders, races and socioeconomic status are usually born with all their features in the position they will remain in forever. But not those of us who have skeletal malocclusions.

It can be isolating to look around you and know that the person sitting across the room from you will never have to think about the position of their chin. But thats why I'm posting this. Finding the other blogs from people who needed to have double jaw surgery was like finally finding people who could relate to me, yet, none of them ever addressed this part of the experience and its important.

I couldn't be more thankful or blessed that the nightmare is over and I am well on my way to a full recovery. Maybe I'm just being an emotional art therapy major who is super touchy feely about this stuff but if there is a chance that someone else will read this and feel validated that there is at least one person who understands then this blog has done it's job.

As for my self portrait, I have spent the last however many years of my life hiding and trying to be invisible, but I don't feel like I need to do that anymore. So no professor, I will not be hiding my jaw with hat or a scarf and thats still new for me so I don't know exactly what that means yet. I hope you don't mind that I modified the "rules" for my senior exhibition project though, after all, rules are made to be broken.

 Read this article if you are interested in how major changes in appearance can affect your identity.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/can-drastically-changing-your-face-give-you-an-ide?utm_term=.bylYGa3Bm

Day 77 (11 weeks post-op)

Inching closer to that three month mark!

Happy Halloween! I know I'm a couple days late on that one but I've been a little busy, my roommate from freshman year came up for Halloween weekend and I got to spend most of Sunday with her (I was sick on Saturday and couldn't go out). But we took some really cute pictures.

Swelling: I ditched the jaw bra last week because it was starting to just get in the way so I do have some extra swelling in the morning but it goes away pretty quickly. I also sleep on my stomach now and it no longer hurts to put pressure on my cheeks/jaw, I'm still not sure its a good idea to sleep with a lot of pressure on my face so I usually support my head with my hand or a pillow with all the pressure on my temple. As for other swelling its always that right jaw/cheek, some days I notice it, some days I don't. I've been too preoccupied with getting an internship and keeping up with classwork to think about it.


Eating: Pretty much everything. I had some pizza type food today in the dining hall, it wasn't quite pizza but it wasn't quite anything else but I was able to chew it! AND I ATE A SALAD THIS WEEK. I won't lie to you, it was a little bit of a struggle but I am S L O W L Y getting my range of motion back in my jaw. Aside from super hard/crunchy foods like carrot sticks and celery I'm really not limited to what I can eat.

Jaw Pain: I am still pain free!! WOOO! I am still not able to fit the two fingers in my mouth but stretching out the muscles in my jaw doesn't hurt so I practice a little when I take the bands off to eat. I did notice that when I open my mouth sometimes I can hear a very faint snap/crackle/pop sound in my left joint. It doesn't hurt and its not loud so I'm not that concerned about it. My braces are driving me nuts though, there is one bracket in the back that is grinding into my cheek but I can't put wax on it because its too far back. I can't wait to be done with these things. 

Weight Loss: Leggings are my new best friend, in the vein of honesty, I should confess that I have a severe case of white girl flat ass syndrome. Its disturbing and there are no support groups. But since losing the weight my favorite, perfectly-broken-in-holes-in-the-right-spot jeans have been sagging like Justin Bieber's harem pants. I haven't stepped on a scale in a while but I had to buy new jeans last weekend  and I have gone down two sizes! I'm going home to CT to do some more shopping with my mom this weekend because as much as I love over-sized sweaters they cannot be my whole wardrobe. Though if Boston stays at 60-75 degrees like it has been the last few days I may not need sweaters at all (yay global warming!). I'm still not eating as often or as much as I used to before the surgery because eating still isn't quite mindless and it still takes a good amount of energy to chew certain things so I'm not actively trying tot lose weight at the moment its just kind of an added bonus.


Oh! so for my senior art therapy capstone class we had to pick a personal theme to work with and naturally since art therapy is all about "process over product" I decided to make my theme "personal transformations" in reference to this recovery. I had to write a short paper about it and include visual aids and I made this. Again, asymmetry isn't something you notice until you notice it.

 

Day 70 (10 Weeks Post-op)

Holy Jaw surgery Batman! It's been 10 weeks. What? How? HRRNNNGGGGG!


So thankfully again, not much to report on or update about.

Swelling: Right jaw is still more swollen than the rest of my face, but only by a little bit. 

Eating: I feel so well prepared for Thanksgiving. I can eat pretty much everything except sandwiches because I can't open wide enough yet. Steak would be really difficult too but I don't eat steak so thats not really an issue for me. I haven't tried salad or pizza yet but I feel pretty confident that I will be able to eat those things too. I had some melon today that was in really big chunks that I needed to cut into smaller/thiner pieces but chewing it was no problem. This week I also got to eat sesame chicken from the Chinese place at the mall. Chewing is finally starting to feel natural again and my jaw doesn't open by itself anymore.

Jaw pain: No pain! Still a little tight every once in a while but thats not painful. Also, you probably assumed by now, but I forgot to say it in the last post: I CAN BRUSH MY TEETH NORMALLY!!!! Even with the bands on! Okay so its a children's toothbrush that looks like a green crayon but its a toothbrush and I am so happy.

when I went to the orthodontist a few weeks ago they gave me slightly larger bands to use when I ran out of the ones from the hospital. I cheated and started using them about a week after getting them because they are just so much more comfortable on my teeth and I can open wider with them on which is so helpful. Below is a picture of the new bands compared to the old ones.









Thats all I've got for you guys this week. I'm starting to get a lot busier and since I don't anticipate having anymore complications to talk about, I'm thinking I am going to only post about once a week until I reach the 90 day (3 months) mark. After that I'll update like every other week or so just to track the milestones with my final post on the year mark! Woohoo!

Day 66

Wow its been a long time since I posted! I even forgot to post on the 9 week mark last Wednesday. Its mid-terms time so I have been crazy busy. But, I do have some awesome updates:


Swelling: Maybe its just wishful thinking but I'm pretty sure the swelling in the right side of my jaw has gone down slightly! I barely notice it anymore. 

Eating: I don't feel too limited anymore, I just ate a cheeseburger without the bun and had no problems. Sandwiches are still slightly out of my reach because I can open all the way just yet and of course the braces thing. But I think this week I am going to see how I do with pizza and maybe salad. I feel slightly more confident about moving my jaw side to side now so I think I'll give it a shot. 

Jaw Pain: I'm pretty much pain free, the muscles feel tight sometimes but thats not really painful. I do notice some aches after being outside when its cold for a while in my right jaw but I also had that before the surgery. But I can almost fit the width of two fingers in my mouth!!

Day 61

Sorry I dropped the ball this week guys, I've been super busy with school work for the last few days. But today I am 2 months post-op yay!! Not much has changed but I will list all the updates I can think of.

Swelling: most of it has gone away but my right jaw still remains puffier than the left side. I must have slept in a funky position last night that put too much pressure on that side or something because it is much more noticeable today than it has been in awhile.

Jaw Pain: My jaw doesn't really hurt so much anymore, what I notice is stiffness when I first take the bands off to open my mouth and after chewing for a while it sometimes feels a little sore but its really not painful. Opening my jaw without the bands is starting to feel more natural the more I chew with the bands off, my jaw doesn't float open by itself anymore but again, when I first take the bands off it takes a minute for the muscles to stretch.

Eating: Not much change in this arena unfortunately, I've been really into the Ritz crackers with cheese but I was also able to successfully eat small pieces of chicken that came in my chicken broccoli Alfredo pasta the other night. Mac and Cheese and really all pastas have been a staple in my diet for the past week because its easy to chew and usually has some kind of protein in it (chicken etc.) Did you know that you can use the hot water from your Kureig to perfectly cook Easy Mac? That was a great discovery. Chewing is getting easier and I can move my jaw side to side a little now though I haven't wanted to really try it. I really need to start trying to chew harder things so that I can keep rebuilding my jaw muscles. I can take my bands off to eat now but I've noticed that I have to kind of stretch my jaw open a little bit before I start eating because it gets stiff from being in one position with the bands for too long. After I eat I can almost always open wider than I could when I started eating.

Numbness: One small part of my bottom lip and my chin is still numb but its getting better little by little.

Teeth Aches/Brushing: Thankfully my teeth haven't really been bothering me lately. The one canine on my front bottom teeth that has a hook on it still gets sore every once in a while, especially if I chew with it but its not that bad. My back teeth aren't as sensitive to pressure and chewing anymore either which is great! I am still using a child-size tooth brush to brush my teeth and I still can't open wide enough to fit it normally between my teeth. But at least I can brush the insides of my teeth now. Seriously never take oral hygiene for granted ever.

Weight Loss: Last time I checked I was 25 lbs down woo! Okay so I know this is a good problem to have but my jeans and most of my sweaters don't fit anymore. I am really happy about this but also annoyed because I'm broke and now I have to buy pants that fit. I have an amazingly generous cousin, Emmy, who offered to use her employee discount to get stuff for me and I may have to take her up on that.

Kidney Stones: No more issues here thank god. I'm still making sure to keep well hydrated and avoiding Turmeric but I gave up on the kidney stone diet they gave me. My diet is already restricted enough.

Site Infection: All gone! I took all of my antibiotics and I haven't had any problems with pain, bruising or swelling since.


I almost forgot! I have been adding to this recovery milestone timeline collage thingy because I think its really helpful to see the difference in comparison to where I started before the surgery. Next picture will be added at the 3 month mark!

P.S. sorry the before picture is always the same, I quite literally never took pictures straight on so this is the only one that I have to use.

Day 56 (8 Weeks Post-op)

Not much to report today thank god, I'm a little relieved that nothing has happened that I need to update everyone about.

I've been taking the bands off to eat and WOW does that make a difference! Chewing is so much easier when you don't have to constantly fish food out of your bands! Gross image I know. I still have some trouble chewing as I can only move my jaw up and down for right now but I can open a little wider than I could last week so that is a promising improvement. Last night I was able to eat crackers with the soft pub cheese spread for dinner and it was glorious. I recommend starting with Ritz crackers because they kind of melt in your mouth and also its really satisfying to eat something that makes a crunching sound. The catch is that I can't really bite into the cracker, I have to break it up into little pieces and then put the cheese spread on it before I put it in my mouth but that is a step in the right direction. I still have to remind myself to chew sometimes since I have gotten really used to not chewing anything but I'm learning.

Opening and closing my mouth has gotten easier too, I feel like I have more control over it now and it doesn't feel like its floating open by itself anymore...as much. Sometimes it feels a little tight when I open but my muscles are still rebuilding themselves so I'm trying to be patient.

I don't notice any significant changes in the swelling, my right jaw is still puffier than the left side but again, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who really notices that. I also don't sound a lisp-y any more when I speak but it still happens every once in a while where an S sounds like a TH. I can almost whistle again too but alas I still can't touch my tongue to my nose. Soon.

Calendar wise I'm officially two months post-op on Monday, which is weird to think about, it feels like the surgery was yesterday and last year at the same time. It finally feels like there is an end in sight with this, though I am reluctant to say that since every time I say something positive or feel like everything is going according to plan something comes up and I don't want to jinx it. Hopefully all my posts from here on out will be as boring as this one!

Day 54

So I saw the orthodontist today and bad news was they couldn't do anything because I can't open my mouth wide enough yet, the good news is my bite is perfect and as long as nothing shifts or changes I should be able to get my braces off in about 6 months (March/April). When Dr. Kozlowski told me that I swear to you I teared up and asked if I could hug him then I did hug him. All the girls in the office who I have worked with all commented that I don't look swollen at all, which is nice to hear even if I still notice some swelling. They told me to keep the bands I have from the surgeon's office on for another 6 weeks but I can take them off to eat and then they can figure out what to do with them after they can fully evaluate my back teeth and stuff. So in 6 weeks, I will have another appointment with the surgeon and the orthodontist. Being able to take the bands off to eat should make learning how to chew much easier. So starting today I begin my training for the Chewing Olympics otherwise known as Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because my Dad makes the best food ever and I plan on being able to fully enjoy everything on the table that day.

In other news, I lost another 5 pounds so that makes my total weight loss from this surgery 25 pounds. I should mention that this is more than what most people who blog about their surgery have lost, but all of them were super skinny to begin with and I had the weight to lose. So I am pretty happy about that. The Chewing Olympics might change this...

One more story for you today: so all the pictures I post here are taken on my phone and then I send them to myself on Facebook so I can upload them here. Its a complicated process but I prefer typing on my computer so its just easier for me to do it that way than trying to do all the blogging from my phone. Well, yesterday I had been messaging a classmate (who I don't talk to on a regular basis) and forgot to exit out of our conversation so I went to send this picture to myself and sent it to him by mistake. Luckily, it wasn't one of the goofy faces from last post but still I was like "HOW DO I EXPLAIN SENDING A RANDOM SELFIE TO A PERSON I DON'T TALK TO?" He was really nice about but I still feel the awkward in the air. Whatever.

Day 50

Today was a really productive day and relatively pain free. I got to meet up with my best friend, Hannah, for brunch at IHOP (Pro-tip: once you're on soft foods you can eat pretty much everything at IHOP) I got eggs and hash  browns, I even got a little more daring and got strawberries and cream crepes. It was doable. The crepes required a little more chewing than I've been used to but I could do it and I only had one or two incidents when the food didn't quite make it all the way into my mouth. I have to remind myself sometimes to chew because I've gotten so used to not chewing. I've noticed that it is easier to chew on the left side, which shouldn't be a surprise considering the issues I've had with the right side. But more excitingly I did a presentation today and it didn't hurt my jaw. I've noticed that my speech is so much clearer and I have most of the feeling back in my lips, there is only one spot all the way in the left corner of my bottom lip that still has almost not feeling at all. My right jaw is the only thing I notice that is still really swollen but the rest of my face seems to be mostly swell-free, I think I even see my cheekbones trying to come out!

WARNING: I have re-discovered facial expressions and I may have taken an obscene number of ridiculous selfies while experimenting with them and posted them here for your entertainment.

Fun fact: I can't whistle anymore, but making the whistle/kissy face is supposed to help your jaw muscles rebuild.

Its important to find some humor in this situation. I found a lot of it.

Okay so, when I was little my Uncle Teddy tried to teach all the nieces and nephews (there is a lot of us) how to touch our tongues to our noses. I have prided myself on being able to do this. So it will be kind of disappointing if I can't do that anymore.

This next one is a sequence of events that took place in a span of like 3 minutes, starting with the top left corner picture and moving left to right from there:

1) Middle school group picture pose.
2) Accidentally getting my lip stuck on my braces.
3) Realizing my my jaw is starting to hurt.
4) Deciding to take one more "good" picture that I could possibly make a Facebook profile picture.
5) Sneezing and somehow still managing to take a picture. HOW?
6) Laughing at the sneeze picture really loud and trying not to open my mouth too wide.
7) Thinking I hear a knock at the door.
8) Realizing it was just someone going into the bathroom.
9) Realizing I have been making faces at my phone for over an hour and I really need to get a life.

Day 49 (7 weeks post op)

So I saw my surgeon yesterday and he said everything looks good and that I probably had a minor infection but the antibiotics should clear that right up. Then he said he would see me in another 6-8 weeks. I find it frustrating that some people seem to get very specific instructions from their surgeons and I'm getting vague statements. I was expecting him to give me instructions on where to go with the elastics that are on my braces like "keep them on for 8 hours a day" or something like what I have read in other blogs but Steinbacher told me that where to go with the bands is now up to my orthodontist. These bands were only needed to keep my jaw in place while it was still healing from the surgery but now that I'm "out of the woods" with that my orthodontist might decide to use bands to move individual teeth. I'm hoping that I am done with these elastics because they really are a pain in the ass but without them opening and closing my mouth feels foreign. Which is another thing the doctor didn't look at, he didn't even want to see how far I could open my mouth without the bands which seems weird to me.

I haven't noticed any changes in the swelling really but I look mostly normal so whatever swelling is left doesn't bother me. One thing the doctor asked was if I noticed and changes to my nose, which I have, it seems to be slightly wider, which is common when you move the top jaw forward but also could be caused by swelling. Either way I really don't care.

Above is a picture of one of my elastics, its in the red circle in case you couldn't see that microscopic thing, thats the size of it compared to a penny and the tweezers I have to use to maneuver the elastics around the hooks on my braces. Side note: the gap in my front teeth seems to have closed up by itself and my bite is perfect all my teeth line up with each other...at least from what I can feel with my tongue...

I'm quite literally re-learning how to chew and its challenging, you don't expect to forget how to chew. Another thing thats hard with the current bands because they don't allow me to open my mouth very much. I could probably take them off to eat now but I feel like I still need help with the chewing motion. I can move my jaw up and down but when you're eating you also move your jaw side to side to manipulate the food, what I find really difficult is getting the food back into my mouth to swallow once I have chewed it. Since the doctor didn't give me any advice on this I've decided not to rush it, I've been on the soft foods that don't need to be chewed but now I am sticking with the same foods but I am trying to chew them. Once I master that I feel like I will be more comfortable manipulating harder foods like chicken.

Opening with bands on: I am able to fit the tip of my pointer finger flat between my teeth.

Opening WITHOUT bands: I can open enough to fit my pointer finger between on its side which is maybe a millimeter or two more.

It looks like a lot but its really really not, a normal person with a fully functioning jaw should be able to open their mouth about 42mm, which is about two-three fingers. P.S. See that dark dot on my jaw line? Still a stitch from the only external entry point for a screw, I finally got the adhesive stuff around it off so its much smaller now.

I am very cautious about opening my mouth without the elastics because my jaw tends to float open by itself without them and it takes a conscious effort to close it. Like if you have every had a cast and when they cut it off your arm floats up a little bit? Though I noticed just now taking that picture that it has gotten a littler easier and it was only a little bit tight and only on the right side.

Day 46

So the doctors put me on a heavy duty antibiotic and so far I haven't gotten too sick from it but I do get dizzy if I get up to fast and if I eat anything less than 4 hours after taking it my stomach gets upset. But the pain has gone away for the most part which tells me that it was probably some type of infection. However, my ear still feels like its full of fluid or something so I think something is going on with that. Also I've been a little more swollen today than I have in the last few weeks so thats still concerning.

On another note, its really hard to lip sync to my music now. I'm not really a person who dances but I get really serious about lip syncing, its truly a performance but since that isn't an option I have to compensate by dancing like a drunk uncle at a wedding: uninhibited and uncoordinated.

Day 44

Okay. I'm a medical clusterfuck.

Remember my theory about the barometric pressure? Partially right but not in my case, it causes pain in some people but my pain was was being caused by something else. Today the pain came back with full force with some sexy swelling and I couldn't open my mouth even enough to fit a normal straw between my teeth. I emailed the surgeons office again and I was insistent that something was wrong.

Nothing about my recovery has been normal. Even in the hospital I told all the doctors that I was having trouble breathing and that was not normal, it was the allergic reaction. Kidney stones are not normal, and I definitely should have been checked out after that because throwing up can cause you to open your mouth wider than its ready to and my doctors should have been on that. Also, every other surgeon's instructions and every blog I have read says that you should be seeing you surgeon for check ups like every 3 weeks and mine hasn't seen me since he rolled me out of the operating room. He didn't even check on me when I was in the hospital he sent his team of annoying minion residents to do it for him.

I spent literally 4 or 5 hours emailing back and forth with my doctors telling them that something is not normal about this pain. Around two o'clock I was taking a warm compress off my face and felt a hard knot under my skin by my joint on the right side and there wasn't one on the other side, so I went to look in the mirror and noticed that my skin and even my ear looked like it was bruised a little bit, so I took a picture (which isn't helpful because the lighting is so bad) and sent it to the surgeons office who finally decided that I was right and told me to make an urgent appointment on Tuesday and in the meantime they started me on heavy duty antibiotics in case it is being caused by a site infection.I decided to come home...again (thank god my parents are in CT which is only two hours away by train) The antibiotics had some scary side effects listed on them like "nausea and diarrhea" and honestly if I'm going to be exploding from both ends I'd rather do it in the comfort of my own bathroom.

This new conflict has been very discouraging as I desperately just want to heal. But it has forced me to come to the conclusion that if this isn't an easily fixable issue, I need to seriously start considering that I might have to take a medical leave from school. I can't do this anymore, I have had maybe a total of 8 days where I have felt normal and healthy, and I can't keep coming home every weekend. But I have had one issue or another every week of this recovery and I am exhausted and I just can't do it anymore.

My lesson for all you potential jaw surgery friends is: you need to advocate for yourself, if you feel like something isn't right, get it checked out. You know your body and your surgeon has probably never had to recover from this surgery so they don't know from personal experience what to expect. So don't be afraid to be a pain in their asses.

Day 43

The intense pain I had yesterday has faded to a noticeable but manageable ache. But there are lots of new pain-ish sensations that I didn't notice before too. My right jaw feels really tight and like there is a lot of pressure on it and while it doesn't exactly hurt to open it feels like I'm stretching it too much and if I talk for longer than like 15 minutes it does start to really hurt. My right jaw is a little more swollen than it was yesterday but not enough to really concern me.

My teeth are also crazy sensitive to pressure and my gums are achey again. I figure it has to be a combination of my teeth shifting, the pressure and weight the bands force on my teeth, and that with the added pressure from the weather changes my teeth are really feeling the weight of the surgical steel wires. One of my canines in the front with a hook on it is soooooo sensitive even if my lip puts pressure on it when I put on chapstick sends a sharp zing of pain down into my gum.

Another fun pain sensation is that now I have more feeling in the roof of my mouth and I can feel where my jaw was pulled forward and it kind of feels like a dent but when I put any pressure on it with my tongue it hurts like poking a bruise.

So with all of that new pain eating has been really difficult and painful, today I was able to eat about ten baby-spoonfuls of strawberry greek yogurt and for dinner I cut up about a quarter of a banana and sliced the pieces into tiny chunks but I ended up having to mash them up with the fork because trying to chew/squish them with my tongue was really uncomfortable, I added a little Nutella to make it taste better though. I'm thinking I might have to go back to pure liquids for a day or two until the pain passes. God I hope it only takes a day or two...I emailed the surgeons office yesterday to make sure my theory about the barometric pressure from the rain was right and the doctor told me that having pain is normal as the nerves continue to wake up and that yes joints and nerves can be sensitive to that kind of pressure after surgery and as long as I don't have unusual swelling, redness, fever, chills or any other symptoms of an infection its probably just nerves that decided to wake up ruin my day.

Day 42

Its raining. Normally thats not a big deal. I actually really really like rain but you know what happens when it rains? Theres a shift in the atmosphere that causes more pressure on us mere mortals. Most of said mortals don't notice it, and typically only old people complain about it if they have arthritis. WELL, it really fucking hurts. I swear to you I haven't experienced this much pain since the first week after surgery and even then I wasn't really in pain as much as I was numb and swollen. I started out the day fine but as the day went on I felt more and more pressure on my jaw joints. This pressure turned into pain which has now radiated to my ear, my temple, my jaw line, my gums and molars and right under my eye. It seems to be pretty localized to the right side, again the side that needed the most work. About halfway through my last class it became really painful to talk and really difficult to open my mouth. I actually had to write notes back and forth to someone to tell her what was going on like I did the first days after getting out of the hospital. I felt great yesterday and was so excited to start attempting to chew so I'm positive that this is related to the weather and the fact that at 6 weeks post op your nerves and muscles start waking up more so any pain or pressure is really going to hurt. Did you know that you have muscle memory in your jaw? Did you also know that they don't like to be disturbed and will spend every day after being moved trying to get back to the position they were in for the past 21 years? I have Dilaudid from the doctor for my kidney stones but honestly I'm thinking I might need to take it for the jaw pain. Today was supposed to be my epic return to chewing. So much for that. Two steps forward, one step back.

One thing I've come to realize is that if everyone had the same recovery experience we wouldn't need to write blogs. You aren't going to find someone who had the same experiences as you which is completely terrifying and annoying; because if you notice something, like say that your face really hurts when its raining and then go looking for other people who experienced the same thing but don't find anything you will email your doctor in a panic thinking you did something to completely screw up the healing of your jaw leaving you to live a long pizza-less life. I might be a hypochondriac. Scratch that, I definitely am.

That "normal" feeling we all so desperately want after getting our jaws broken and enduring weeks and weeks of gross protein shakes is an elusive bitch. But so is how you feel the recovery is going. Yesterday I was so psyched that I reached the 6 week mark, but today it feels more like "I'm only at the 6 week mark". 3 months (90 days) is when your bones fully heal, but then you still don't have full range of motion in your jaw, swelling and numbness. Ugh.

So I'm feeling a little discouraged today.

But seriously when I asked if this could get any worse that was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

Day 41 (6 weeks post-op)

"I just want to clarify that this means I can chew now right?" a quote from an email I actually sent to my surgeon today. And Bee-tee-dubs I have officially been given the okay to start an unrestricted diet that involves chewing. Hold your applause 'til the end please.

Okay you caught me, I'm not technically six weeks post op until tomorrow but, I've been having kind of an emotional day and I have classes all day tomorrow so I'm doing this early. I don't usually participate in those stupid Facebook "days" ("its national tiny dogs that wear hats day! repost if you love your tiny dog that wears hats!" Stupid.) and I haven't been posting about my recovery too much on Facebook because I figure of my 600 closest friends and family, the ones who really want to know about how badly I crave nachos on a daily basis will read my blog every once in a while. ANYWAY, its "Transformation Tuesday" and that feels significant. I put extra effort into my make up today even though I didn't have classes and I'm not leaving my room at all, and took a couple of selfies. I haven't really taken any pictures of myself recently for the purpose of looking attractive, all the pictures I post here are for documentation purposes, so it was really strange to take the picture and not have to adjust the angle or shift my head to hide my crooked face. And thats when it totally hit me that I will never have to do that again. I flashed forward to a few months from now when my face is straight, the swelling is gone, the braces are off and I can eat anything I want. That image feels worth the suffering now. However, I still stand firm on saying that if I could go back I would wait until I had the time to dedicate to the recovery. I don't know if I would say that I would "do it all again", once was most definitely enough, I wouldn't want to relive any of it. But that being said, I don't think I could go back to being the version of myself that I was with the crooked face. Just as a side observation: it really did effect my whole face, even the position of my eyes and ears has shifted and is more symmetrical than it ever was.

It has definitely been a transformation. I feel more confident than I ever did with my crooked chin, though I am still self-conscious of speaking in groups of people, my voice is so much clearer now but it still sounds a little lisp-y, but I've never been a social person and I will probably always be self-conscious in groups because of my anxiety. I've also learned a lot about how to regulate my eating habits, portion sizes, eating only when I'm hungry and not just because I'm bored and of course the importance of adequate hydration. Nothing will make you drink 8 glasses of water a day quite like the threat kidney stones. I was for sure overweight before surgery and I was definitely hoping the liquid diet would take care of that, and it definitely helped but I also feel a little more motivated to live healthier now. I'm down twenty pounds and I plan to keep going because I'll be damned if by the end of this I don't look fucking amazing. Excuse the profanity.

But I also find myself not caring about my braces so much anymore. I mean I would definitely prefer not to have them but I'm kinda just like "I just had my jaw broken and I haven't eaten anything normal in weeks, someone noticing my braces is the least of my problems". I will say, that when someone points them out I get kind of pissed off, like "Gee, I forgot about them for 20 seconds there thank you for reminding me". There is actually a girl in one of my classes who also has braces and I swear to you it was like finding a unicorn. The swelling has really come down and most people don't really notice it or maybe college kids really don't care. My right cheek is still really puffy but that was the side of my jaw that grew twice as long as the other side so it required more work during the surgery. I freaked out a little bit after staring at the pictures for a good twenty minutes because the swelling on just the one side kind of gives the allusion that my chin is still slightly off center, something only a person who has grown accustomed to looking for flaws of asymmetry would notice. But after closer examination I decided it really is just the swelling that makes my jaw look fatter/longer and the fact that because of it, my smile is a little lopsided because my lips can't hold up my chipmunk cheek. Crisis averted.

Oh! I almost forgot, I figured out how to brush the insides of my teeth! I've been going about it all wrong, I was trying to fit the tooth brush in the way I did before the surgery: bristles down. But that makes the toothbrush too tall to fit between my molars. What I have to do is brush the outsides of my teeth then open as wide as I can (with the bands on, opening my mouth without them is actually really painful) and with the brush still turned on its side I can fit the bristles between my teeth. It might not be the best method but at least my teeth are getting cleaner than before. I've said it before and I will say it again: I will never take oral hygiene for granted again. Also a waterpik has been really helpful.

Tomorrow marks my epic return to chewing. One small step for Bailey, one giant step toward pizza.

Day 40

Its been 40 days and 40 nights. On Wednesday I will be 6 weeks post op! Honestly I was really thinking that after 6 weeks I would feel back to normal but I definitely don't, like its definitely going to take some work to get back to a normal diet and the doctor kind of made it sound like I would be able to jump right into it. Lol nope. This morning I decided to eat some Greek yogurt for breakfast and I grabbed a plastic spoon to scoop it out of the giant container and put it into a little cup, then I tried to eat off the spoon and failed miserably, its almost like regular spoons are too deep. Its weird. My lips are still numb though I do have more feeling in my top lip than I do in my bottom lip. The left corner of my bottom lip is still REALLY numb like when I touch it I can feel that theres pressure on it but nothing else. I also noticed that my back teeth are starting to get really sensitive.

Other than that I really have nothing else to report.

Day 38

I'm FINALLY feeling better again, my kidney doesn't hurt anymore and my jaw pain is so minimal I don't have to take anything for it. I still can't fit a toothbrush between my teeth yet without forcing my jaw open uncomfortably wide but my teeth are slightly less gross looking so I guess thats a start. I'm starting to explore what other kinds of foods I can eat and I have made some discoveries: Rice is not really a good idea. It gets stuck in my braces and its just really hard to keep on the fork. Lo Mein is actually doable if you cut the noodles small enough. My most exciting food experiment was breakfast this morning, I made french toast, I had to use a little extra butter to make the bread soft enough but man it was so good to eat like a real human again. More exciting news is that I lost another five pounds, but that might change after my next appointment with the surgeon. My return to chewing will be legen--wait for it--dary. (I'm a How I Met Your Mother fan don't judge me). I really miss salad and sandwiches though but now that I can eat pasta (as long as it doesn't need to be chewed and I can just squish it with my tongue) I have a few more options.

Also, happy birthday to my Mama Lady, definitely couldn't have survived this surgery and recovery without her support!

Day 35 (5 weeks post-op)

Sorry guys my hair is a mess today.

Five weeks post-op today. Technically this means only one more week until I'm out of the woods with this recovery! I say "technically" because I don't have my 6 week post-op appointment with Dr. Steinbacher until I am 8 weeks post-op so I am going to stick with the mush diet until I get the thumbs up from the surgeon that everything has healed enough for me to start eating normally again.

I ate Panera Mac and Cheese today though which is one of my absolute favorite foods so I'm pretty happy with the mush diet... for today anyway. My teeth and gums aren't as achey anymore though that could be because I have been taking the extra strength Tylenol regularly. The sutures still feel tight when I smile and when I talk sometimes but making sure that I drink A LOT of juice and water during the day has really helped with that.

My lips and one small area of my chin are the only things that are still numb and I am slowly regaining feeling. I am hoping by the end of three months I will have all feeling back in my lips, though they did warn me that a common result of surgery is that I may have some parts of my lips that never regain feeling or take years to fully regain it. I'm hoping I'm not one of those people but my luck hasn't been so good so far with this recovery.

A lot of people have asked how much weight I've lost since being on the liquid diet and the truth is not that much. I've lost about 15 lbs which from what I've read seems to be the norm for women who have jaw surgery. I'm hoping to keep up with the weight loss even after I return to a normal diet.

My jaw is starting to feel more normal now, like opening isn't as strange and foreign as it was a couple weeks ago. Its starting to feel more like my jaw rather than a prosthetic jaw that they just screwed on. Also, the twitching has stopped which is nice because that was always a bit unnerving.

The swelling in my cheeks is still the same. Its hard to smile because my cheeks don't have as much stretch to them yet and my lips get stuck on my braces so my smile looks kind of crooked but its getting there.

 One more before and after comparison.

Day 33

Its Monday so naturally it was a struggle. I cannot emphasize enough that if you have the 6 weeks to take off from work or school to dedicate to recovery DO IT! Its really stressful having to balance a recovery from major surgery and a normal life. I came to the realization today that I have to stop pushing myself to get back to normal because that led to dehydration and kidney stones. I was supposed to pick up a drawing class on Monday and Wednesday afternoons but honestly that would mean going from 8:00 to 4:00 without a break on Mondays and 8:00 to 6:00 on Wednesdays and that is just not realistic right now or in the near future. I may feel normal in two weeks and I may not feel normal until 3 months post op. I just need to take it day by day. Thats my only advice. Also naps, naps are great.


I have been doing my best to stay hydrated, drinking huge amounts of water and juice. I am officially one of those people who carries around their gigantic water bottles all day long. Its kind of ridiculous. I also took initiative and talked to my painting teacher about how I can't stand for long periods of time. This a mostly new development with the kidney stones because my back starts to hurt if I don't sit down.

Good news, the extra strength Tylenol works and doesn't make my face or throat swell up! I have been taking it on a schedule like the urologist told me to and that has really been helping with both the jaw aches and the residual pain in my kidney from the swelling.

Speaking of swelling! My face looks pretty much normal, the swelling has gone way down in my cheeks. I have been able to smile pretty big and yawn pretty big too. My jaw doesn't feel as tight as it did even last week and I am going to try taking the bands off to brush my teeth again tomorrow because I think I might be able to open wide enough to get the baby toothbrush in there. The girl at my orthodontist's office who had a similar surgery said that even after 12 weeks I probably won't be able to open that much but I'm feeling a tad optimistic about it.

Also, just as a one month update, check out my chin before the surgery and today. Its kind of awesome. Someone asked me today if I would go back and still do the surgery if I could and at this point in the game I would say no. If I could go back, I would wait until after graduation and take the year off before grad school to recover fully (I would work obviously but it would just be so much easier without the added pressure of school). That being said, I think I would still get the surgery because I really do love that my chin and jaw is all aligned and straight. But it was really foolish of me to think that this recovery would be easy or at least just 6 weeks long. They tell you it will take a full year and its completely true. I keep saying it but you really don't fully understand how a broken jaw will impact your life and everything you do until its your reality.